Author’s Note: I was hesitant whether or not to write/post this, because it is very raw and emotional for me. However, this is the foundation that Embracing Her Strength was built on so I believe that it is important for my readers to understand the context behind my future posts.
The hard truth: Change and growth can’t happen without cutting off the things that hold you back. For me, that change was the people I surrounded myself with & my mindset. Two things that I have complete control over.
I will never forget the day I was talking to a friend about her breakup and she said, “I love him, but I had to love myself more” – that was the moment of clarity for me. 5 months ago I experienced one of the hardest days of my life. It was the day I had to say goodbye to a person that I loved the most in this world. No, he didn’t die… but the relationship did. And no, I am not here to talk about details of my break up because frankly, that’s no one’s business but ours. However, I am here to talk about perspective and how sometimes you have to lose something precious in order to gain something priceless.
I don’t know if I really believe this idea that “everyTHING happens for reason” because we are all in control of the decisions we make every single day. However, I absolutely believe that everyONE happens for a reason. Every person enters your life for a purpose, at the exact time you need them — BUT this does not mean that they are meant to stay there.
“The Universe places specific people in your life so you can grow. Nothing more, nothing less. Stop expecting people to stay in your life forever and pay attention to the lessons that the Universe wants to teach you.”
The only relationship that I could manage for a long time was the one I had with ED (my eating disorder) — one that made me feel worthless, belittled, and unlovable. When my ex came into my life it was exactly what I needed. For the first time since ED I was able to fully give myself to another person and feel a love that I didn’t think was ever possible for me. I had a best friend and a boyfriend all wrapped up in one and I was head over heels. Unfortunately, over time, I started to become consumed with trying to be everything he wanted me to be and I began to lose a lot of myself in the process [please note: this is my insecure projection of what he wanted, not anything he actually said or did]. The relationship was no longer growing either of us and I knew that in order to find my self-worth and become who I wanted to be, I had to say goodbye. I loved him, but I had to love myself more.
The days, weeks, and months following my breakup were some of the toughest days of my life. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, my heart was broken and negative self-talk was in overdrive. I was on this “self love journey” but I was consumed by thoughts of “what-if”, “why doesn’t he care”, “why am I not good enough”. I am extremely grateful for all my friends and the abundance of love that surrounded me and I am even more grateful for some of the hard, blunt, honest talks that had to happen in order to pull me out of this rut.
“How you talk to yourself matters the most.”
Days after my breakup, a good friend reached out to see how I was, I wasn’t good. “I wish I didn’t still love him but I just keep questioning why I wasn’t worth fighting for”. I was drowning in my negative mindset. “Morgan, your homework tonight is to make a list of all your positives,” she said. I laughed and said yeah okay, I’ll do my best. “All that great advice and strength you give to others… please give it to yourself.” And she was right. I’ve built an entire career on helping people gain confidence and strength.. and here I am, kicking myself down at every turn. So I sat down that night and started writing my positives. It wasn’t easy.. and I’m not even sure that I believed it at the time, but that’s when I started the embrace the “fake it ’til you make it” mentality.
Another morning I remember calling my best friend in hysterics. I was curled up in a ball, I couldn’t get off the floor and I was rambling on and on about how I made a mistake and if only I was thinner, or prettier or better. She stopped me mid sentence and said, “Morgan, do you hear yourself? If you ever talked to me the way you talk to yourself, I would hate you.” That was wake up call #2. The next step on my journey of self love was to change the way I talked to myself. No matter how impossible it seemed, I knew that I was in control of the thoughts that I let enter my mind and I was the only person who could make that change.
“There will always be someone who doesn’t see your worth. Don’t let that be you.”
If I have taken anything out of the rollercoaster that has been my life for the last 5 months, its that sometimes a closed door is a gateway to your peace. No matter if it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, a parent/child relationship, etc. — if it no longer grows you, its time to walk away. YOU are in control of the direction you want your life to go in and you will only ever be as happy as you decide to be. Losing something you love will never be easy, but I urge you to take a deep look at the people you surround yourself with and the impact it has on your mental state — positive vibes only!!