…and She Laughs without Fear of the Future


Please Note:
This post is not to prove that you can rid your life of fear…
I mean… you can give it a shot and I will certainly wish you the best of luck
however, the fact is:

Fear is inevitable…
but overcoming it is priceless

Whats your biggest fear??

Heights, public speaking, FOMO...? The list of phobias is infinite.

But regardless of what you’re afraid of, we all know that sinking pit that forms in your stomach that feels like you’ve swallowed the entire butterfly park at the zoo. You can’t eat, you can’t breath, you’re doing everything you can not to burst into tears because that seems like the only other logical thing to do.

And how many times have you let that feeling overwhelm you to the point where you’re no longer able to complete the task at hand?

As much as we hate to admit it… its happened to all of us.

This is actually something I’ve struggled with ever since I was little. I would wind up physically sick because I used to work myself up into such a panic over these little phobias…

And let me tell ya.. my fears were wide spread.

They ranged from thunderstorms, to riding a bike, to my grandpa in the pool with his socks on


Okay so yes, over the years I grew out of many of these little phobias
(storms not so much, but I no longer go into hyperventilation from seeing a gray cloud in the sky)
So how did I get over them? Well, I realized that most of my fears are unavoidable.  Mother nature happens, I couldn’t roller blade for the rest of my life, and NO ONE was gonna tell grandpa he couldn’t go in the pool with his socks on.

Yeah these things still scared me a little, but I didn’t let them control me anymore.

And then ED made his way into my life….

Its safe to say that I didn’t know anything about fear until I met ED.  But this was a different kind of fear than I was used to…

It was a fear of the future

Throughout my darkest years with ED I found comfort in a structure. I needed a plan… and if one thing threw that plan off track, my world would shatter.

This fear followed me through recovery as well.  Even in the hospital I remember my entire day was ruined if the nurse came in a half hour late or if my lunch was 5 minutes behind schedule.  Granted I was extremely irritable at the time, but trust me, those feelings didn’t go away once I got home.  I was constantly suffocated with anxiety over what was coming next.

What’s mom making for lunch?  What time do I have to eat dinner?  I wonder what we’re having for breakfast 2 weeks from Sunday?
(I wish I was kidding)

Every second was spent dreading what was yet to come.

Fear of the future paralyzed me.


6.10.10 - First Day Home


I’d be lying if I told you I still don’t crave structure.

I love it.

I love prepping, I love planning, I love being organized.

Do I still have a fear of falling off track?  Yeah, I do.
But the difference is that now I don’t let that fear stop me from living and enjoying my life.
Honestly, I don’t think I could have said that to you a couple months ago… maybe not even a couple weeks ago.

Fear and anxiety have held me back from SO many things in my life, but I refuse to let it happen anymore.

And hey, you may actually be surprised at where life takes you when you push past the fear, open yourself up…

and enjoy the beauty of dysfunction.   

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