“Objects in mirror are closer than they appear” – is it possible that this holds true for dressing room mirrors too? ED convinces me that its not an illusion.
I’ve never been a big shopper. I’ve never really enjoyed going to the mall for hours, fighting through crowds, and piling clothes into the dressing room to try on. But then again, buying clothes online is always such a toss up, and the hassle to package it up and ship it back when it doesn’t fit… just isn’t worth it. So we suffer through the crowds of people, hours of thumbing through endless racks of clothes, and the not-so-flattering fluorescent lights pointing out every flaw we never even knew we had.
The only reason I gave in this time was because I had big interview on Friday. I threw out all of my “big girl clothes” when I made my transition to the fitness industry because 1. they were size 00 and 2. I didn’t think I’d ever be wearing slacks again.
When I arrive at the mall I head straight to Express because I know they make loyal pants that have continually fit me at every shape and size. As I’m drowning in all my insecurities, I start thumbing through some of the racks, when I find a dress that catches my eye. I head over to look for my size when I hear this condescending voice to my right say “sweetie, this is our petite stuff…” As if I already wasn’t insecure enough, this 4ft tall, 60 year old woman sent my anxiety into full swing. My eating disorder was laughing hysterically, knowing how much I missed him in that moment. It took everything in me not to run out of the store in tears.
But I didn’t.
With my eyes still tear soaked, I found my size in the “petite” dress, and grabbed a couple more outfits in various sizes and headed to the dressing room. Those fluorescent lights are just as unforgiving as they were the last time, and I can no longer hold back the tears. ED (my eating disorder) is in control now, laughing hysterically at how fat I got without him. He reminds me that those clothes are no longer a size 00. He reminds me of every calorie I ate that day, that week, and the week before that. He reminds me that my finances are the worst they’ve ever been. And he tries to convince me that my boyfriend deserves better than me.
Tears streaming down my face, I pull on a pair of pants I picked out. They’re a size smaller than I normally wear, but f*** it, I’m trying them on anyways. To mine and ED’s surprise… they actually fit. And they look great. God bless, I needed this moment. A second to myself without ED reminding me of all my flaws. I left the mall that day emotionally exhausted. I just wanted to go home crawl in bed and hide from the world.
But then I walked though the door to my apartment and everything ED told me that day in the dressing room fell by the wayside.
I was reminded just how blessed I really am to have a puppy and boyfriend who love me unconditionally. I might not be a millionaire, and I might not be a size 00 anymore, but I know that there isn’t enough room in my life for both ED and these 2 boys.
So in case you were wondering… yes I still struggle regularly. BUT one thing that always keeps me going is the people that I love.
Measure yourself by the quality of your life, not the size of your clothes…